A story by Diana Dandelion:
Once upon a time there was a king and a queen and their little daughter “Rosebud”. Rosebud was a beautiful, fair daughter who brought much joy to her parents, however there was only one serious flaw: The young princess was cursed with a smelly flatulence problem.
She farted green, smelly clouds from waking to bedtime. She even farted when she was sleeping (sometimes that was the worst). The smell was so horrible that it dropped many a strong man to his knees and indeed, her own family could barely stand to be around her.
The royal kitchens were ordered never to feed the young child things like beans or cabbage, instead specialists were hired to prepare dishes that were meant to quell the bouts of gas, or, perhaps just make her smell a little less terrible. They brought her sweet cream scented with rose petals and spiced cakes with cinnamon and anise and cardamon, things that surely would take the edge off of the nauseating stench but, alas, nothing helped.
The royal parents put out a call far and wide for any conjurer, healer, herbalist or magician that could lift the young princess’ curse offering gold and gems and even half the kingdom to any person who was successful. Daily there were long lines of hopeful specialists presenting all manner of strange, potential cures but none of them worked. Indeed some were not even allowed to try their ideas on the princess, their suggestions being either too far-fetched (like eating scented laundry soap flakes or drinks spiked with exotic perfume) and some even dangerous (being hung by her feet from a willow tree in the rain and elements for 7 days).
Finally, in an effort to make peace in the family and retain some of the remaining staff that stayed despite the offensive smell permeating the castle, the king and queen relegated the princess to the turret tower in the far upper reaches of the castle. There was good ventilation and an old nursemaid who had long ago lost her sense of smell in an accident, to care for the child. And there she remained for most of her formative years, taking her school lessons and meals there with only the old woman for company.
She was a happy child, for the most part, and had a few pet dogs (who didn’t seem to mind the stench at all) and she whiled away her days being content with her books and the lovely views of the kingdom from the tall, turret windows.
When she came of age, though, her parents were again troubled, worrying who would ever take the hand of such a rank smelling maiden, no matter how beautiful and sweet her disposition may be. Having long ago given up on the thought of any “cure” for the condition they instead started inviting potential suitors to come calling, again offering half the kingdom, this time for the qualified man willing to become her husband. Hearing of the princess’ loveliness and perhaps enticed by owning half the kingdom, once again there were long lines, this time comprised of suitors petitioning for the princess’ hand in marriage. Of course, the princess was made available in the great hall for a short list of men who were deemed suitable. And one after another, each man, be he strong or intellectual or kind or just handsome, each one ran from the room in horror as soon as he caught even a small a whiff of the princess’ foul odor.
After a few years of one after another suitor bolting away in horror the king and queen were ready to give up and accept the fact that their daughter would become a spinster and never have a family of her own.
Then one day a wise woman requested an audience with the king and queen. She told them about a kingdom far away from theirs where there was a prince of marriageable age who just might make a good match for Princess Rosebud. It turns out that this prince, too, was cursed with horrible flatulence, from birth. A curse so profound that his parents, the king and queen of that realm, had moved him into his own castle on a nearby mountain. There he’d been since childhood and there he remained since a search for a wife had been unsuccessful.
The king and queen clapped their hands in joy, hoping beyond all hope that at last they had found a way for their daughter to live a normal life with someone who would not mind her stinky farts. Indeed, when introduced to Princess Rosebud the young and rather dashing prince seemed immune to the farts as the princess was to his. The royal horns were sounded (“tooted,” you might say ) and the upcoming wedding was announced to great fanfare; Princess Rosebud was to be wedded!
The wedding was a lavish affair that went on for days and was held outside in the nearby meadow. The event was blessed with a steady breeze and the couple was carefully placed so the breeze carried their flatulence away from the celebrants. After they were wedded they were whisked away to the prince’s castle on the hill to start their new lives.
At this point it could be said they “lived happily ever after,” and they did, to a point. Princess Rosebud gave birth to 4 smelly little royal children but, alas, the 5th child, Princess Jasmine, was not like the rest. This child did not have the family curse and the poor thing cried and cried, not being able to stand the thick, green clouds of stench that hung over the entire castle (now being quite eyewateringly, potently foul, since there were so many of them and only one of her). Indeed, she could barely catch her breath most of the time.
Fearful for her health, the couple reluctantly sent little Jasmine away to live with her grandparents in the castle that Rosebud had grown up in. The king and queen were overjoyed to be able to raise their grandchild and lavished the girl with love and spoiled her with toys, sweets and even a pony and frequent parties. In this way, both royal families found peace and happiness with the farting family of royals residing in a kingdom on the mountain far away from the king and queen and their non-farting granddaughter.
In that way they lived happily for the rest of their lives.
(Dedicated to Veronica. I’m glad she quickly grew out of it!)